Greg the Giraffe

If you promise to not laugh at my story I’ll tell you everything, all right? Oh god, so my wife and I have been together for about seven years. We met here at the zoo, I remember seeing her long neck for the first time and how amazed I was at her beauty. It wasn’t much longer after that that we started chatting it up by the trees in the enclosure. But this isn’t a story about how my wife and I met years back; this is a story about how my marriage might be ending in a matter of days.

It wasn’t until a month ago that we started having serious problems. Nothing like arguing or passive aggressiveness towards each other, rather our intimate relationship was on the rocks. I don’t know if you know much about us giraffes but we have really, really, really long tongues. I know, gross! But one night my wife and I tried to fix our intimate relationship by watching the sunset by the trees where we first met. Cute, right? Anyways, so as we were watching the beautiful sky turn orange and I thought that it would be the perfect time to kiss my wife. I leaned over and gave her a little peck, no big deal. Then I thought, well let’s just get this thing rolling, so I tried to make out with her but that didn’t go as well as planned. Apparently, I went a little too crazy with the tongue, slobbering all over her without realizing that I wasn’t being a suave as I thought.

She roasted me right then and there. Yelling at me telling me that I ruined a perfectly romantic evening with that tongue of mine. I’m not sure how it could have been all fault we do have the same mouths, and honestly hers might even be longer than mine! She told me that she’s been putting up with my tongue problem for the past seven years and now is the time for her to throw in the towel.

So, now I’m stuck here practicing kissing on a tree to perfect my form so my wife won’t leave me. It’s like I’m that girl in the movie Superstar (I watched the movie once during a visit to the veterinarian). Either way, wish me luck because I can’t keep kissing a tree for the rest of my life.

Howie the Hyena

It’s been really hard trying to be the comic of my cackle. Everyone thinks everything is funny even when it isn’t. It’s like us hyenas can’t tell the difference between a good joke and a bad one, we just laugh at anything. Recently, I’ve been trying to brush up on my jokes. All the other guys in the enclosure that proclaimed themselves to be comics only seem to crack jokes about our prey. I’m sick and tired of hearing the story about that one time Reggie found a lizard and the little guy was so scared of Reggie’s laugh that he ripped his tail and scurried off. That isn’t even funny, or a joke! Lizards actually can lose their tails and carry on throughout their daily life without a care in the world.

God, I wish I could try my material on the cackle, but no one cares what I have to say. A couple of months ago one of the workers here at the zoo was taking care of our enclosure. He was cleaning by the rocks when he happened to sit down and take a break. I noticed this because he kept talking to himself while he was reading some sort of book. I snuck over beside him in order to get a closer look and realized the title of the book was “Observational Comedy For Dummies” and that’s when I knew my chance to excel at comedy was within reach. I called over to Reggie (the self-proclaimed cackle comedian) and told him to gather everyone near the rock that the worker was sitting by. Obviously Reggie agreed since his ego is bigger than the Hippo butt in the enclosure next to us. I knew that if I got enough of us near him while listening to Reggie’s “jokes” everyone would burst into laughter and scare away the human.

And just like I had planned, the minute all twelve of us gathered around Reggie we busted out laughing scaring the worker so much he dropped his book and left the enclosure. Ever since that day I’ve been working really hard in perfecting my stand-up routine. So far I’ve only wowed Rocko the Rooster, but that’s probably because he’s a total idiot. Not to worry though, I’ll soon be having a Netflix special about my experience here at the zoo, because let me tell you it’s anything but ordinary.