Greg the Giraffe

If you promise to not laugh at my story I’ll tell you everything, all right? Oh god, so my wife and I have been together for about seven years. We met here at the zoo, I remember seeing her long neck for the first time and how amazed I was at her beauty. It wasn’t much longer after that that we started chatting it up by the trees in the enclosure. But this isn’t a story about how my wife and I met years back; this is a story about how my marriage might be ending in a matter of days.

It wasn’t until a month ago that we started having serious problems. Nothing like arguing or passive aggressiveness towards each other, rather our intimate relationship was on the rocks. I don’t know if you know much about us giraffes but we have really, really, really long tongues. I know, gross! But one night my wife and I tried to fix our intimate relationship by watching the sunset by the trees where we first met. Cute, right? Anyways, so as we were watching the beautiful sky turn orange and I thought that it would be the perfect time to kiss my wife. I leaned over and gave her a little peck, no big deal. Then I thought, well let’s just get this thing rolling, so I tried to make out with her but that didn’t go as well as planned. Apparently, I went a little too crazy with the tongue, slobbering all over her without realizing that I wasn’t being a suave as I thought.

She roasted me right then and there. Yelling at me telling me that I ruined a perfectly romantic evening with that tongue of mine. I’m not sure how it could have been all fault we do have the same mouths, and honestly hers might even be longer than mine! She told me that she’s been putting up with my tongue problem for the past seven years and now is the time for her to throw in the towel.

So, now I’m stuck here practicing kissing on a tree to perfect my form so my wife won’t leave me. It’s like I’m that girl in the movie Superstar (I watched the movie once during a visit to the veterinarian). Either way, wish me luck because I can’t keep kissing a tree for the rest of my life.

Howie the Hyena

It’s been really hard trying to be the comic of my cackle. Everyone thinks everything is funny even when it isn’t. It’s like us hyenas can’t tell the difference between a good joke and a bad one, we just laugh at anything. Recently, I’ve been trying to brush up on my jokes. All the other guys in the enclosure that proclaimed themselves to be comics only seem to crack jokes about our prey. I’m sick and tired of hearing the story about that one time Reggie found a lizard and the little guy was so scared of Reggie’s laugh that he ripped his tail and scurried off. That isn’t even funny, or a joke! Lizards actually can lose their tails and carry on throughout their daily life without a care in the world.

God, I wish I could try my material on the cackle, but no one cares what I have to say. A couple of months ago one of the workers here at the zoo was taking care of our enclosure. He was cleaning by the rocks when he happened to sit down and take a break. I noticed this because he kept talking to himself while he was reading some sort of book. I snuck over beside him in order to get a closer look and realized the title of the book was “Observational Comedy For Dummies” and that’s when I knew my chance to excel at comedy was within reach. I called over to Reggie (the self-proclaimed cackle comedian) and told him to gather everyone near the rock that the worker was sitting by. Obviously Reggie agreed since his ego is bigger than the Hippo butt in the enclosure next to us. I knew that if I got enough of us near him while listening to Reggie’s “jokes” everyone would burst into laughter and scare away the human.

And just like I had planned, the minute all twelve of us gathered around Reggie we busted out laughing scaring the worker so much he dropped his book and left the enclosure. Ever since that day I’ve been working really hard in perfecting my stand-up routine. So far I’ve only wowed Rocko the Rooster, but that’s probably because he’s a total idiot. Not to worry though, I’ll soon be having a Netflix special about my experience here at the zoo, because let me tell you it’s anything but ordinary.

Gary the Grizzly Bear

You know, I keep hearing things about this movie that came out not too long ago, I think it was called “The Revenant” or something like that.  What’s the big deal with this movie all of the sudden. Why am I, an average grizzly bear, hearing about it? I’m just a regular bear who minds his own business all day long, but now all of the sudden people are talking Hollywood all the time. What’s this movie about anyways? Wasn’t it with that Leo guy who was stuck on some boat years back? Anyways, I had all these humans stop by my exhibit maybe a year ago looking at me all funny. They were asking Jane, my vet, all about my habits. What I ate, who I surrounded myself with, and most importantly how I showed my anger.

I was surprised that one of the Hollywood guys asked how I showed my anger because I seldom am ever angry. They should have asked Brutus, but he got relocated over a year ago because he fought with the other bears too often, what an asshole he was.  Does anyone know what this movie is about? More recently I heard a pair of humans the say as they stood in front of me, “I bet you Leo could have taken on this bear.” What’s that supposed to mean? I’m a strong guy, I can hold my own. I still thought that Leo guy was stuck on that boat. Well, let me tell you something, I could take him on even if he was on a boat!

My vet came in recently to give me my lunch and as she fed me she took a picture of me. Jane's never taken a picture of me out of the seven years I’ve been at the zoo. She smiled she threw me a treat, “Gary, you’re going to be a star soon! Those Hollywood guys are going to model the bear in that new movie after you, how exciting! Oh, I wish you knew what I’m talking about…either way I’m posting this on my Facebook page.” After hearing that I had so many questions for Jane, but I knew none of them were answerable.  

All I know is that if I’m going to be a big Hollywood bear I guess I should get ready for my close up! I just hope I'm not on that boat with that Leo guy.

Rocko the Rooster

Have you ever walked into some place and thought that this is not the place where someone like you should be in? That’s the chicken coop here at the zoo. I run the whole show with no one stepping over my claws, or else they would have to feel the fury of Rocko the Rooster.

See, we have fights here, you know…cockfights. Those illegal fights that those stupid humans have in the real world. Down here it’s different, it’s us chickens handling all the business so no one gets in trouble. It’s the perfect business because who would ever think of chickens being the originators and active participants in this line of work.  

I’m the bookie here at the coop, and everyone knows me and fears me. I ain’t no chicken nugget, bitch. All this happens after dark so the humans wouldn’t think we are as crazy as we actually are. You’ve heard that us chickens can survive with our heads cut off right? It’s true, I’ve seen it myself on numerous occasions. Those poor bastards go 'round trying to kill one another without even realizing their noggin is lyin’ across the room.

I love my job. Most people wouldn’t enjoy doing work like this but when the money floods in that’s what it’s all about, baby! A bunch of the animals participate in betting for fights too. The other day I had to lay the hammer down on this lion because he lost a lot of money and wasn’t able to pay it back when it was owed. Needless to say he eventually payed me, but it wasn’t a pretty sight. The guy had to rob an ostrich in the enclosure across from him; poor bird lost every penny he had. No one ever said it was easy around these parts. Most of the time those humans don’t think we do anything but cluck and make for good dinner entrées.

But hey if you ever find yourself at the zoo after dark and are looking to win some money ask for me. You’d be surprised to find out that the lions, tigers, and bears come around in harmony to earn a bit of cash at the expense of dying chickens.

Terry the Turtle

I'm thirty years old and I've done nothing with my life. I planned on breaking out of this zoo fifteen years ago, and I'm still only halfway there! Actually, I haven't even left my pond yet, but it's a work in progress. It’s not like I have a strong support system backing me up here. Jean and Lois haven’t even come out of their rock shelter to announce their engagement, it’s been at least five years and we’re still awaiting that.

It’s not that us turtles aren’t motivated; it’s just that we don’t have anyone giving us that “push” that we all need. We once had this frog living in our exhibit a couple of summers ago, and I’ll tell you something we got a lot done that year. I remember that I snuck out with a couple other guys and we raided the popcorn machines. I guess raid isn’t the right word, maybe more of a silently snacking. Wow, what a summer that was!

But one of the perks of being a turtle is the wisdom that one acquires through the long periods of time we take on doing things. It gives us quite a bit of time to think about life’s biggest questions. That whole story of the tortoise and the hare, well that’s bullshit! Slow and steady wins the race, yeah right! When did someone real who was slow ever win a race, name one instance. That’s right you can’t!

Another thing us turtles are great at is accepting life’s harsh realities. Maybe I’m bound to just hanging out in this little pond with eight of my cousins. I mean, it could have been much worse. I knew this bright fellow who lived here just about seven years ago whose fate was rather unfortunate. He ended up breaking out of the enclosure to find a nice grassy patch somewhere near the entrance of the zoo, and wound up being turned into turtle soup. How horrible to be reduced to a style of food that isn’t even satisfying. Poor mate. He was such a nice guy, when I think about it he was probably a pretty nice soup too.

Maybe I’ll just sit in my pond and take another fifteen years to plan out my new escape route, avoiding becoming soup at all costs!