Gary the Grizzly Bear

You know, I keep hearing things about this movie that came out not too long ago, I think it was called “The Revenant” or something like that.  What’s the big deal with this movie all of the sudden. Why am I, an average grizzly bear, hearing about it? I’m just a regular bear who minds his own business all day long, but now all of the sudden people are talking Hollywood all the time. What’s this movie about anyways? Wasn’t it with that Leo guy who was stuck on some boat years back? Anyways, I had all these humans stop by my exhibit maybe a year ago looking at me all funny. They were asking Jane, my vet, all about my habits. What I ate, who I surrounded myself with, and most importantly how I showed my anger.

I was surprised that one of the Hollywood guys asked how I showed my anger because I seldom am ever angry. They should have asked Brutus, but he got relocated over a year ago because he fought with the other bears too often, what an asshole he was.  Does anyone know what this movie is about? More recently I heard a pair of humans the say as they stood in front of me, “I bet you Leo could have taken on this bear.” What’s that supposed to mean? I’m a strong guy, I can hold my own. I still thought that Leo guy was stuck on that boat. Well, let me tell you something, I could take him on even if he was on a boat!

My vet came in recently to give me my lunch and as she fed me she took a picture of me. Jane's never taken a picture of me out of the seven years I’ve been at the zoo. She smiled she threw me a treat, “Gary, you’re going to be a star soon! Those Hollywood guys are going to model the bear in that new movie after you, how exciting! Oh, I wish you knew what I’m talking about…either way I’m posting this on my Facebook page.” After hearing that I had so many questions for Jane, but I knew none of them were answerable.  

All I know is that if I’m going to be a big Hollywood bear I guess I should get ready for my close up! I just hope I'm not on that boat with that Leo guy.

Rocko the Rooster

Have you ever walked into some place and thought that this is not the place where someone like you should be in? That’s the chicken coop here at the zoo. I run the whole show with no one stepping over my claws, or else they would have to feel the fury of Rocko the Rooster.

See, we have fights here, you know…cockfights. Those illegal fights that those stupid humans have in the real world. Down here it’s different, it’s us chickens handling all the business so no one gets in trouble. It’s the perfect business because who would ever think of chickens being the originators and active participants in this line of work.  

I’m the bookie here at the coop, and everyone knows me and fears me. I ain’t no chicken nugget, bitch. All this happens after dark so the humans wouldn’t think we are as crazy as we actually are. You’ve heard that us chickens can survive with our heads cut off right? It’s true, I’ve seen it myself on numerous occasions. Those poor bastards go 'round trying to kill one another without even realizing their noggin is lyin’ across the room.

I love my job. Most people wouldn’t enjoy doing work like this but when the money floods in that’s what it’s all about, baby! A bunch of the animals participate in betting for fights too. The other day I had to lay the hammer down on this lion because he lost a lot of money and wasn’t able to pay it back when it was owed. Needless to say he eventually payed me, but it wasn’t a pretty sight. The guy had to rob an ostrich in the enclosure across from him; poor bird lost every penny he had. No one ever said it was easy around these parts. Most of the time those humans don’t think we do anything but cluck and make for good dinner entrées.

But hey if you ever find yourself at the zoo after dark and are looking to win some money ask for me. You’d be surprised to find out that the lions, tigers, and bears come around in harmony to earn a bit of cash at the expense of dying chickens.

Terry the Turtle

I'm thirty years old and I've done nothing with my life. I planned on breaking out of this zoo fifteen years ago, and I'm still only halfway there! Actually, I haven't even left my pond yet, but it's a work in progress. It’s not like I have a strong support system backing me up here. Jean and Lois haven’t even come out of their rock shelter to announce their engagement, it’s been at least five years and we’re still awaiting that.

It’s not that us turtles aren’t motivated; it’s just that we don’t have anyone giving us that “push” that we all need. We once had this frog living in our exhibit a couple of summers ago, and I’ll tell you something we got a lot done that year. I remember that I snuck out with a couple other guys and we raided the popcorn machines. I guess raid isn’t the right word, maybe more of a silently snacking. Wow, what a summer that was!

But one of the perks of being a turtle is the wisdom that one acquires through the long periods of time we take on doing things. It gives us quite a bit of time to think about life’s biggest questions. That whole story of the tortoise and the hare, well that’s bullshit! Slow and steady wins the race, yeah right! When did someone real who was slow ever win a race, name one instance. That’s right you can’t!

Another thing us turtles are great at is accepting life’s harsh realities. Maybe I’m bound to just hanging out in this little pond with eight of my cousins. I mean, it could have been much worse. I knew this bright fellow who lived here just about seven years ago whose fate was rather unfortunate. He ended up breaking out of the enclosure to find a nice grassy patch somewhere near the entrance of the zoo, and wound up being turned into turtle soup. How horrible to be reduced to a style of food that isn’t even satisfying. Poor mate. He was such a nice guy, when I think about it he was probably a pretty nice soup too.

Maybe I’ll just sit in my pond and take another fifteen years to plan out my new escape route, avoiding becoming soup at all costs!

Stan the Kangaroo

My family keeps telling me that I’m going to be the Rocky Balboa of the animal kingdom. They keep saying that it’s in my blood, that my Great Uncle Tony was a natural born killer. He could knock a down any kangaroo or other type of animal that set foot in his path no matter what.

Me on the other hand, I’m honestly not quite sure that I’m supposed to be a fighter. God, I’m so over these expectations that my family has set before me. They don’t understand me at all and they think I’m something I’m not! All those days when I told Mom that I was going to boxing practice I was lying straight to her face. Where I was actually going was where I knew I was supposed to be. My safe place is where I cannot tell anyone in my court my whereabouts between the hours of 3:15-4:45 PM twice a week.

I dream of not being a boxer, but rather the greatest kangaroo ballroom dancer in the entire zoo. I came across this beautiful art while watching the animals in the enclosure next door. I’m not even sure what kind of animals they were, but that didn’t matter once I saw them gracefully prance along with one another. They were so elegant as their feet swept through the air barely touching the dirt that lay below them.

I knew right then and there that this was my true calling. Who cares if kangaroo’s aren’t supposed to dance! I am breaking the mold of the set standards that all us young joeys are taught while growing up. “Watch Kanagroo Jack it’s the greatest film of all time, don’t forget to spar with your brother every day.” All of these things are lies; Kangaroo Jack isn’t even that great of a movie!

All these things that we are taught are all lies that the elders think are a good idea. They don’t know anything about dancing. In fact, one could argue that boxing has an element of dance to it already. The way you hop around trying to avoid your opponent is an awful lot like that of the dancing I do in class. Maybe one of these days I’ll show my family my stuff while I sashay around the enclosure in hopes that they too will understand that I am a natural born dancer, not killer.  

Beth the Hippopotamus

My ass is so fat, like really fat. All the birds are talking about it while they pick at me when they eat their lunch. I can hear Karen the Oxpecker already, "Can you believe how round Beth's ass has gotten? She is probably trying to get Boss’s attention. Well, either way more surface area for me to feed off!”

Trying to get Boss’s attention, are you serious? Just because Boss is the big hippo on campus down here at the Safari Park doesn’t mean my ass is growing to impress him. Those Oxpeckers are such gossipers I honestly can’t go a day down here without hearing some talk about some of the other girls around here. The other day when Karen and Jenny were feeding off my back I could have sworn I heard them talking about how Tracy and Leroy’s relationship was on the rocks. First off, everyone already knows that Tracy loves to swim with Leroy all day and night, so if their relationship is on the rocks than I’m an alligator.

I’m still annoyed about how big my ass has gotten. Why is it that when one lady starts to gain some weight in her behind carriage that everyone in the watering hole has to be so weird around me. As it so happens, I went over to the hole earlier today and I saw Bubba and Hector wink at me while I was drinking. All these men around here are so immature. I need to get the hell out of this enclosure.

Maybe to the great outdoors, or even better the beach! Oh, how beautiful would that be? Strolling through the sand, no one around to make fun of my butt. Maybe I could befriend a dolphin. I think that we could get along swimmingly. I’ve heard humans talk about the dolphin show here at the zoo all the time. They always have smiles on their faces and good things to say about how smart they are. I’m smart too, and I think a nice dolphin companion would do me good. They definitely wouldn’t make fun of my ass. They would focus on my brains, and how good of a swimmer I am even though I go much slower than they do.

Who am I kidding? Me, Beth the hippo, befriend a dolphin? Yeah right. Maybe I’ll flaunt my big butt in front of Boss. He could be my companion I’ll tell you that much.